Zoya Ahmed, 33, is going through a messy divorce in Karachi, Pakistan.
Her decision to end the marriage triggered a retaliatory campaign by her husband, who she said filed false police reports, including a criminal complaint alleging an extramarital affair, and triggered property disputes.
“This [extramarital affair case] is very anti-women. The kind of shame I have to face in the courtroom. Our courtrooms are full of men… the way everyone looks at me, it’s a different horror experience.”
Ahmed said sexual incompatibility was one of the reasons why the marriage unraveled.
She noted that her husband mocked and weaponized her desire for intimacy to shame her socially, telling her: “You wanted sex. Now you’ll get it.”
Several of her male friends have been named in the extramarital affair case, further damaging her social standing, she said.
Divorce remains deeply stigmatized across Asia. Even as divorce rates rise in many countries across the region, including India, Pakistan and Indonesia, the fallout for women remains severe.
Financial insecurity and emotional toll
In Pakistan, for instance, divorce is allowed under Islamic law. Married women in the country can initiate divorce proceedings but in many cases they are required to forfeit or return their Haq Mehr (dower) to the husband as compensation for the dissolution of the marriage.
One 34-year-old woman, who asked not to be named, said her attempt at divorce became a prolonged battle after discovering that the khula clause — a legal process for Muslim women to seek divorce — had been removed from her marriage contract.
Even when women retain the right to initiate divorce, the emotional consequences remain dire.
Naveen Notiar, a 40-year-old Pakistani woman now living in the UK, recalled her parents’ divorce. Her mother had insisted on including the khula clause in the marriage contract.
“My grandmother had this conversation with my father’s family about my mother being able to have a right to divorce at the time of when she signed her marriage contract, and my father’s family was fine with it.”
Her mother was later able to dissolve the marriage, but a custody battle followed.
“It’s often believed that a custody battle, or children, is something people can fight over, and it can be used to make a woman’s life hard,” said Notiar.
A 2020 study involving 427 divorced women in Pakistan’s Punjab province found that high rates of depression, anxiety, and stress were common among the women, largely driven by financial insecurity and family backlash.
Some argue that the most difficult part of divorce isn’t always the separation itself, but what follows, particularly around child custody and access.
In Pakistan, legal custody is often granted to the mother, especially when children are young.
Fathers are expected to provide financial support, but visitation is typically left to the mother’s discretion.
Abbas (name changed), a Pakistani father who pays court-ordered child support, said: “The mother and her family have completely cut off contact. It hurts that the children are deprived of the love of their paternal grandparents.”
Divorce not legal in the Philippines
In contrast, the Philippines remains one of only two places in the world where divorce is illegal, the other being the Vatican City.
The only legal way for married couples in the Southeast Asian nation to end their union is through annulment.
Ana P. Santos, a Filipino journalist based in Berlin, spent four years seeking annulment.
“I had the privilege to do so,” she said, crediting her lawyer, but acknowledging that many women cannot afford the often lengthy and expensive process.
“I refused to pay anyone,” she added, referring to bribes often used to speed up the process.
Annulments require proof of fraud, mental incapacity or impotence, forcing women to turn deeply personal experiences into legal performances.
“A woman is painted as the bad one just because she wanted to separate from her husband,” Athena Charanne Presto, a Filipino sociologist, told DW.
Many women opt for informal separations, unable to bear the financial or emotional cost of annulment, said Presto.
Only 1.9% of Filipinos have obtained annulments, legal separations or foreign-recognized divorces.
Collectivism vs. choice
In countries like Pakistan and the Philippines, financial dependence is one of the main reasons women stay in unhappy marriages.
Bela Nawaz, a gender researcher from Pakistan, argues that patriarchy isn’t the only factor.
“It’s not just patriarchy, it’s collectivism,” Nawaz said. “We exist as family units, not individuals. And that makes it incredibly difficult for women to make independent choices.”
This mindset pushes women to prioritize family honor over personal well-being, she said.
Those who leave are often branded as selfish or immoral, cut off from their communities and support systems.
In the case of the Philippines, Presto said that “even before a woman seeks [an anullment], community elders and family members often step in to stop her from exercising her choice.”
Experts say that without parallel progress in cultural attitudes and economic opportunities for women, legal reforms alone are unlikely to level the playing field.
In many parts of Asia, divorce remains a gendered process and for women, choosing to leave a marriage is seen as a radical act.
Edited by: Srinivas Mazumdaru
